Wednesday 29 August 2018

Holidays - trying to train, lilo wars, unexpected swimming costume expose and possible megalodon sightings.


Even on holiday it seems there is no rest for the wicked. Two weeks of doing bugger all is not an option. I still need to train, I have a swim four days after I get back home, and so choosing a holiday destination for me has only one real requirement so I remain in peak condition (not really…you kind of need to be in peak position in the first place, which I’m not!), and that is a body of water suitable for some serious swimming …and snorkeling and paddling and laying on a lilo (although need to master the getting on the lilo bit first, which may actually be the most challenging thing I do all holiday, and the least rewarding!).

Of course there are a couple of other things on my wish list too, like non-stop sunshine, quality time with my family and a sun lounger reserved, every morning, with my towel on it (I know already-highly unlikely).

Very early start before the crowds arrive!

Fast forward two weeks, and now having returned from my holiday, finished the mountain of laundry, printed off the photographs, been to the supermarket, collected the dog… I finally, find the time (many, many hours later) to sit down with a cup of coffee and reflect on our holiday and my original requirement/wish lists. The holiday was amazing; the sun shone, the body of water suitable for some serious swimming WAS suitable for some serious swimming, we spent lots of quality time together (mostly the kids trying to drown me for using their inflatable as an armchair without permission). Sadly the wish list ends there, as I was unable to find someone to get up at the crack of dawn to put my towel on a sunbed on my behalf. My kids offered to do it for ten pounds a day, however I feel this is borderline daylight robbery and told them politely to sod off! In addition to this, on the back of several other unexpected necessities, which came to light during the holiday, I have decided that my requirements/wish list needs expanding for all future holidays to include the following: 

1)  Absolutely no talking about aquatic livestock at any point during the holiday - Despite loving the quality time with my kids, discussions with my son over breakfast about fishes/sharks I did not love (including photos and video footage that he has provided… next time I shall consider booking somewhere with an iffy or none existent Wi-Fi connection). I must add that his breadth of knowledge, in particular about the top five deadliest sharks, including size, food preferences, map coordinates of their home, migration paths, tooth size etc., is very impressive and is really comprehensive, and although it ruined my sea swim that day, on account that I managed to convince myself that everything that moved (or didn’t move) was the size of a Megaladon, I shall try to remember to thank my dad (once we are home), for sparking such an interest in aquatic life by buying him the million page long A-Z encyclopedia of Sharks, and allowing him to stay up way beyond his bedtime, when on a sleepover, to watch back to back pre-recorded episodes of River Monsters and Deadly 60! Steve Backshall would be proud. 

2)  Prepare some pre-holiday coaching sessions on the importance of the lifeguard taking their roll very seriously – So when asking daughter to fill the roll of lifeguard whilst I swam – basically, sit on the beach (on towel provided), whilst not taking eyes off swimmer (me) whilst swimmer swims, in the very near vicinity and let the swimmer know, by any means necessary (scream, yell, run up and down the sand waving arms, do a cartwheel, whatever it takes) if any large size ocean living creature appears anywhere from the horizon to the shoreline, and if necessary get in and save swimmer if swimmer gets into difficulty because of large ocean living creature, or gets into trouble for any other reason. The whole getting in the sea idea did not appeal to daughter who offered instead to go and get help rather than save her mother (possibly whilst her mother was getting dragged off into the murky depths by her toe… of worse, eaten in situ). Twenty two minutes in, and daughter has abandoned her post already, due, she told me, to getting sea water splashing her sunglasses leaving her unable to watch me clearly (rolls eyes – I suspect that it was more likely to be the lack of internet connection this far from the hotel). I am grateful I suppose that she didn’t just up and leave without signaling to me she was off. I took her flailing arms, trying to get my attention as a sign that a toe-eating shark had rocked up and I should evacuate the water quickly. I did, without elegance or poise (obviously) to finish my swim in the safety of the pool. 

3)  Pack more practical swimwear – the kind with rock solid built in scaffolding to make it impossible to expose those non-tanned parts of the body to other holidaymakers that are, up to that point before said shocking reveal, also enjoying a quiet, uneventful swim in the pool. In brief, deciding to do a couple of impromptu lengths at speed, whilst not wearing proper swimming swimwear, is not advisable. And to offer some further advice, if you do happen to reveal body parts unexpectedly do not make a huge fuss about it. It is more likely to go unnoticed if you are quiet. Next time (not that there will be a next time) I will be more ladylike and dignified about it – in short, I will not shriek and draw the attention of every person in the nearby vicinity to myself, my inadequate swimwear and my non-tanned parts. 

4)  Buy everyone their own inflatables. – Lying on an inflatable (and damn if that isn’t the hardest thing to master), even though you bought it (albeit for the kids), does not mean you have any rights whatsoever to that inflatable. You have none. It is every mother/ child for her/himself in lilo wars. Basically a scrabble involving one child, one adult (me), a plastic cup and a book took place where sadly the inflatable took the brunt of the struggle, and becoming not so inflatable anymore, and despite my very best efforts to revive it with a plaster, I was unable to resurrect it.


R.I.P Angelica

5)  Relax - Do not get upset if you cannot swim for more than an hour because it is too hot, too sunny, too busy (in the pool), too choppy, too scary, you have a trip planned for that day. You are after all on holiday! The hardest decision should be whether you want to wear the nautical looking, sensible swimming costume for a snorkeling trip or the floral bikini (and FYI – floral swimwear is not a great idea when snorkeling on a reef. A certain almost translucent fish took an unhealthy interest in it. I am deciding that it is because it thought that the pattern on my bikini was so lifelike and that was an actual piece of fauna, rather than anything else possibly more sinister)! 




Once again, thanks for reading, and for those of you that enjoy my blogs, my book 
Open Water Woman Swims Windermere 
is available in paperback and electronically on Amazon. 

Here's the link:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Open-Water-Woman-Swims-Windermere/dp/1980614660/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535300602&sr=8-1&keywords=open+water+woman

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