Close encounter of a different kind... well a tiny, tiny fish anyway!

If you had asked me before today how my fish issue was coming along, I would have said confidently not too badly, after all I have stopped flinching when one of my own limbs comes into view during a swim, and I am now able to quickly assess, without stopping, whether it is my wetsuit zip pull or a lake snake round my neck (glad to say that it’s only even been the zip pull). In truth, none of the aforementioned are an actual threat, but the point is that I have managed every swim, so far, this season feeling quite relaxed and enjoyable, and although I haven’t actually seen a real live fish in any of the lakes I’ve swum in, I do consider this to be progress! 

Skip forward to today… As Shark and I got into the lake, a fellow swimmer was getting out looking rather flustered. I regret now enquiring as to what had rattled her, as it turns out to be the sighting of a large fish. I want to take the words back before they are even out of my mouth, but I find myself bombarding her with many questions:

“How big?”- “Huge” 

“Where in the lake?” I wanted coordinates… - “Pike Corner” (of course). 

“How close was it?” -  “Close enough to see.” 

I stopped myself at this point, for it was looking likely that she could tell me of its vital statistics. I knew enough already. Now I was in two minds whether to not swim at all, but I had paid my five pounds already and I’m not sure if refunds would be administered on the back of fish sighting in a lake that has fishes in it, and also not actually seen by me, and so tentatively got in. 

It was the first non-sunny day we’ve had in ages, in fact the sky was blackening by the minute. Thunderstorms had been forecast, and as a result of the lack of sunshine, visibility in the lake wasn’t as good as usual. It took all of five strokes for the penny to drop that if visibility was low, then the fish must have been really, really close to her, but I was committed now, and getting out would make me the subject of much leg pulling, so we bravely swam on (with me sticking to Shark like glue. They always take the smaller, weaker one first – that'd be her, not me). 

The first lap was event free, and I began to relax a bit (not entirely though…). I had one possible sighting of a fish that turned out to be nothing more than some brown pondweed, but apart from that, all was good. It was the second loop where all the drama happened. I saw a handful of very small fishes out of the corner of my eye, and out of the blue one darted towards me and very unexpectedly, hit me on the side of my head. I’d like to think that is was down to the poor visibility that caused it to hit me, rather than it being an actual attack (but you just can’t rule it out as a possibility, on the back of the fact that when you enter the lake you automatically become part of the food chain), or much worse… the possibility that I am utterly irresistible to fish! 

Anyway, I don’t know who was more stunned, me or it, but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out, I legged it. Sadly this meant quite a sprint as we were at the far side of the lake, and whilst I am not above getting out at the far end in an emergency situation (I would actually consider this an emergency, however if there were to be a handbook of swimming in a lake emergency possibilities, I'm very confident it wouldn't appear), this would alert the attention to the safety crew, and I know I would never live down being rescued on the back of this, and whilst I am not above embellishing the story to make it appear that I was fighting off some kind of overly large fish (a prehistoric Megalodon?) they know me well enough to know that it would have been a tall story. I hate that they know me so well at times! So I pretty much abandoned Shark and fled the scene of the crime (it won’t be for the first time). I was a few hundred metres ahead of her when I came to my senses (that it is most unlikely that the fish will be giving chasing) and to be honest my lungs were on the cusp of combusting and there was a high chance of a hernia happening if I kept at that neck breaking speed, so I waited for Shark at the next buoy. I’d like to add that this is not because she is a nurse, but if I am going to have a medical incident then I could do with someone with lots of experience to be as close as possible.

When Shark caught me up she was under the impression that I had decided to include a sprint into my swim. I was tempted to tell her I had, however I am a shockingly bad liar; I get all flustered, and as we have been friends for a long time, she knows me well enough and would smell a rat, so I told her the real reason for my sprint. Once she had finished laughing at me (she said it was well worth the choking fit she had), she remembered that I had actually left her and was suddenly less than impressed with me. I don’t blame her, but in the same circumstances I’d do it all again. I reminded her of the size of said fish (tiny), and that I suspected her life was not in any danger as even being struck on the side of the head, at what I suspect was it’s full speed, I was without a war wound… Not even got a small mark the size of a full stop to show for it. Nothing! Nada.

Shark was confident, and with good reason, that I would be ribbed about the ‘attack’ once I got back to the shoreline, and as I was considering not mentioning it to anyone, this would not happen, however I know that Shark would not be able to contain herself, and suggested that it would be in my best interest to embellish the story a bit and tell them it was probably a lake barracuda that had attacked me (because that is so much more believable), and offered to punch me in the head to make it seem more likely (is there nothing that she wouldn’t do for me?). Now I am not one for letting the truth get in the way of a good story, however her plan is flawed on several levels. Two immediately spring to mind: 1) Shark is tiny. The whole punching thing will probably result in me getting a mark no bigger than the invisible one I have already. 2) Leon (SwimYourSwim) has promised me that there are only nice fish in this lake, like pink goldfish and lake sea horses, and so they would not believe the barracuda fib anyway, and as Leon would never lie to me about the type aquatic livestock in the lake, we would look rather foolish telling him that it was something that does not actually live here. 

I tell her I’ll think about her offer as we swim back to the shoreline, however to prevent her from executing her plan, as I am not actually convinced she would wait for the green light to do it anyway, I decide my best option is to swim back and to exit the lake at speed and make my way to the showers before her. Hopefully this will be achieved without tripping, falling over or clashing with another swimmer (all possible) along the way, meaning that Shark won’t be near enough to get a good swing at me at any point.

I have added some rain and lightening to give the photo more drama, and to give you an idea of how bad the conditions were.
The rainbow is real though.

As we approached Pike Corner I paused (I know right?) whilst Shark swam on. This was not to put some space between myself and Rocky Balboa swimming next to me, but because I was taking a moment to stop to see how much the sky had suddenly darkened further. In all of the shenanigans I hadn’t realised that it had began to rain quite heavily. There had been a weather warning for thunder, and we had been briefed before we had got in as to the procedure in case of lightening in the area (They said “if you hear the klaxon swim to the side and carefully exit the lake, helping others if necessary,” however I heard “if you hear the klaxon swim like you’re being chased and it’s every man for himself”), and then out of nowhere (well, the sky as it goes) the first flash appeared, immediately followed by the klaxon going off, making me jump and swallow a nasty mouthful of water. Once I had composed myself enough to swim, like the clappers, back to the side, I realized that I didn’t actually know where Shark was. I looked back for her, but she wasn’t there. I admit that I kept swimming whilst I was looking, but I was panicking, because who wants to go back into the water after a lightening strike to look for their swim buddy that they have carelessly misplaced? However Shark had been a little more on the ball and swifter in her response than me and was already wind sprinting towards the side… leaving me far behind. Some swim buddy she is!!!😂

I was about to give chase before I remembered that there was a promise to punch me in the chops, and to be honest it was a little like being between the devil and the deep blue sea… Swim out with her and risk a punch, or stay in the water a little longer with the possibility of being struck by lightening… Shark was waiting for me with my Swimzi when I got out, and very carefully at arms length, I took it off her. She told me that although she had initially been following my “every man for himself” philosophy, but when I didn’t get out with her she became concerned that I may actually have a concussion from the fish head butt and felt guilty about leaving me. I know this to be a big fat lie, for I know that she wants to get home in good time to be able to watch the pre-recorded episode of Poldark before Mr. Shark gets home from his cricket match, and as designated driver for the evening, if I am actually injured this would essentially put the kibosh on her plans. I consider pretending to have a bit of an ache from the impact (she did leave me in a lake after all), however don't think she would see the funny side of me coming between her and a historic period drama (😉) for a fake headache...!

Thanks for reading, and for those of you that enjoy my blogs, my book Open Water Woman Swims Windermere is now available in paperback and electronically on Amazon.

I also have a 'group' page on Facebook and am on Twitter and Instagram, where I post regular shenanigans and such like. If you'd like to join/follow you'd be very welcome. Here are the links. 😊

 @Openwaterwoman_
Open Water Woman

Epic Swim - Derwent Water 2018

One of the usual routes to the lakes has a huge detour in place thank to a landslide. Shark and I had already factored this into our journey to Derwent Water for the Epic swim, and set off to Windermere in plenty of time to incorporate some obligatory pre-swim refreshments (basically coffee and a scone loosely passed off as a nutritionally sound breakfast) and to get the best parking spot, or actually any parking spot – it gets really busy. Unfortunately it took us until we were nearly in Windermere itself before Shark told me that she wasn’t a hundred percent sure of the way to Derwent from there, and a frantic look on Google Maps revealed that we should have gone up the A1 (like we did last year…) avoiding the (albeit scenic) long and completely the wrong way altogether journey so far, and were some way off our destination still, meaning that time was now not on our side. Shark began blaming jetlag, having just returned from her holiday with Mr. Shark, however I have been to Amsterdam before and it’s pretty much in the same time zone as we are so I am not buying her excuse for a second. Our detour did sadly mean that something would have to give and unfortunately it was looking very likely that it was going to be our pre-swim breakfast. Using the map this time, we made haste (without breaking the speed limit) across to Derwent and consoled ourselves (made do) with the edible contents of Shark’s glove box (a third of a ClifBar and three unidentifiable objects that I suspect were once Jelly Babies, and were perfectly edible, despite being coated in fluff and a bit of tissue). 

As fortune had it, we found a parking spot straight away and in a slight state of panic we hastily got ourselves ready, before heading to the registration point and the start line. Upon registration I discovered that Shark and I were swimming in separate waves. For some reason I was in the fastest group, along with lots of elite swimmers. I have no idea how this happened, as I am not elite by any stretch of the imagination – hell, I can’t even dive in (thankfully it was a deep water start, otherwise I’d have been in even bigger trouble), and so in a bid to at least not look like a fake, I attempted to blend in by hiding amongst them and doing a few gentle stretches (my wetsuit would not allow for anything too vigorous thankfully, so this also eliminated things like those extreme yoga poses I love so much like Lord of the Dance and Upward Facing Two-Foot Staff Pose), but I had been so worried that we were late that I had asked Shark to zip up my wetsuit as soon as we had arrived, and that was 20 minutes ago. The air temperatures was around 25oc so I began contemplating undoing it before I actually started to cook, but as I had lost Shark in the sea of same colour swim caps, this would mean asking an actual athlete to redo me up, and risk being ousted as a phony once they saw the battle to get it done up again. It could also mean they ran the risk of a possible pre-swim thumb strain getting me in, and the guilt would be too much, so decided on a better plan that included pouring a bottle of cold water down the inside on my wetsuit (absolutely nothing like in a Baywatch fashion I might add).

After the safety briefing we (the rest of the fast group and me, but not Shark) were asked to swim to the starting buoy. I nearly broke my neck even before I was off the pontoon, not because it was slippy, but because the swimmer in front dropped his goggles and in my haste to get in the lake, ran into the back of him in a very unladylike fashion. Let’s just say that wetsuits touched and leave it there.

I knew I was in trouble when everybody was already overtaking me in the warm up swim, and so on the back of this, I figured that as there was absolutely no chance whatsoever, for a thousand reasons that I would never win this race, that I would place myself in front of all of the swimmers so that for the first nanosecond of the swim I could actually say that I was in the lead. Something to brag about after the swim. That was until I overheard the two swimmers near me discussing a sub forty-five minute swim and their strategy. I realized quite quickly that there was a probability that I was about to be swum over if I got in the way, and not one to be preventing someone from achieving their very fast goal, I moved my slow self to the back of the group where the chat was more about the high level of midges (of which I can boast several quite impressive bites to the neck, but none to the other exposed part of my body- my ankles) and types and sizes of fishes in this lake. A conversation I was able to share the breadth of my knowledge (I checked on Google when I entered the swim). I’m not sure whether my fellow swimmers were impressed or slightly alarmed at the lengths of extensive research I had gone to. The expression for both is very similar I think. 

After several minutes of treading water, and the obligatory pre-swim sing song (heads, shoulders, knees and toes), which had I have known about in advance would have spent time practicing my vocal ranges and gargling with salt water to help improve my tone, we were off, and all at very different speeds, mostly everyone else very fast, and me just doing my usual steady pace at the back. Having privy to the fast swimmers conversation about times I decided that my only goal was to swim fast enough to not be lapped by one of them. This meant that there was no time for faffing about, which was easy really as the water was lovely and warm, and calm, all thanks to the great weather we’ve been having, and all combined made for a great and relatively fast swim, with only one Day of the Triffids incident, involving a large piece of pond weed (probably not its botanical name) that was determined to share my swim experience by attaching itself, one way or another, to me. I did learn though that it is virtually impossible to continue to swim whilst battling to free your limbs (arm/watch) and your goggles from the stuff, and it is best, in the interest of safety to stop swimming for a second and just untangle yourself rather than attempting to detach it mid stroke, bringing myself to the attention of a very keen eyed safety kayaker, who appeared very quickly out of nowhere (honestly I’m talking Liam Heath fast) to check I was okay. 

As the finish pontoon approached, a grim reality hit me; how was I going to get out when any kneeling down on my left knee means there’s a good change that it will dislocate, leaving my very much in trouble. It hadn’t crossed my mind when we got in that it may cause me, and possibly the organisers, a problem and the last thing I wanted was to be yelling “I need an ambulance!” without even crossing the finish line. This would not be happening. I wanted a finishers medal suddenly even more than I wanted my post swim cake, and so some quick thinking was required on my part, and so without caring what I looked like, I launched myself onto the jetty stomach first, before turning over, sitting up, and then standing; all with one straight leg. I still can’t decide whether it was comedy gold or utterly genius, but one thing is for sure, I was out in one piece to take ownership of my well-deserved, rather lovely medal, and there was more cheerful news, I also wasn’t lapped! Yay!  

Derwent was such a lovely swim day out, and to celebrate our amazing swim, and to make up for this morning’s food routine going to pot thanks to Shark’s ‘jetlag’ we decided we deserved a huge slice of cake… and quickly, so hastily got dressed, which on reflection should not be attempted when you are still damp from your swim and cocooned in a Swimzi coat for modesty reasons, because you can get kind of tangled in your vest and in your panic to rectify the situation end up with the coat falling to the floor whilst not fully dressed and rather unexpectedly revealing yourself to the good people of Derwent! 

On that bombshell we quickly packed up our belongings with me, red faced from embarrassment, and Shark red faced from laughing (lack of oxygen I think, serves her right) and after consulting with Google Maps once more, headed towards home… pretty much as the crow flies this time, and after a lengthy coffee and cake stop I admit I really wouldn't have minded a Nanna nap on the way back, however I was worried that Shark was still suffering from a case of same time zone jet lag, that I put myself in charge of map reading in a bid to get home whilst there were still daylight hours to be had. No rest for the wicked I guess!  

Thanks for reading, and for those of you that enjoy my blogs, my book Open Water Woman Swims Windermere is now available in paperback and electronically on Amazon.

I also have a 'group' page on Facebook and am on Twitter and Instagram, where I post regular shenanigans and such like. If you'd like to join/follow you'd be very welcome. Here are the links. 😊

 @Openwaterwoman_
Open Water Woman